sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
