Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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