Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize