took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
