I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
