Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
