Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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