Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
