My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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