I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize