They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
