I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
