Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
