I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
