it was like his penis was on wheels.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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