I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
