there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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