I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
