i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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