All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
