omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
