We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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