I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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