Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
