hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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