im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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