The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
