I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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