I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
