This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
