so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
