I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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