I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
