Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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