just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
