you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
