Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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