My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
