have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
is that a dick in a sweater?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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