the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
