After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
