i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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