Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
