I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
