Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Randomize
