I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
