I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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