My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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