can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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