I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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