What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
