I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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