Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Oh god it's open bar.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
