dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
