I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
