Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
His nipple licking is glorious
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