i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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