We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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